Tales of My Dark Life {Part 0}
As I said I am going to try and use this blog to get to grips with some of the twists in my mind. To aid in restructuring the neural barriers I have installed in my head. I want to try and be as frank as possible and to allow anyone that is interested a glimpse of my mind. However there are some things I still don’t want to talk about, and some that I certainly don’t want to get into the specifics of. As a result some of my thoughts and memories will not be committed to these pages.
Yet there is so much I have wanted to tell people, but not known how. Therefore some things that should not have been are locked down deep inside. Every so often they break loose and wreck havoc on my mental landscape. I apologise in advance if this post is a bit fragmented or confusing. My English has never really been that good (might explain why in another post) and it’s not an easy subject for me to write about. So to the beginning of it all…
If you want to understand almost anything about me you need to go back 9 years, to when my father died. A Saturday morning in July, dad’s home from the hospital, mum telling us the news, a blood soaked mattress. That was a very large part of my life destroyed. Gone. Although the death was horrible, I am “happy” with this end. Better quick and painless at home than some of the other options. We are defined, one-way or another, by our pasts. It is from here many of my beliefs and outlook on this world stems.
Pain. Fury. Love. Despair. Rage. Relief. Hatred. Sorrow. It took a while to accept, a long while. I did a lot of stupid things. I think I severed a lot of ties in that transitional period. I had stonewalled the event, occasionally thinking it over, but mostly refusing to consider it. It was still too raw and my rationality had torn itself apart. Eventually I found a way to cope, al the pain and emotion was directed to my work. To do well. To understand the world. My work is my life. I didn’t want to do anything else. I didn’t want to think.
This approach has worked quite well. It achieved what it was supposed to do and as a consequence forced me try my best. Everything was going well until 6th year, when another environmental change was on the horizon. Roughly around this point a part of me awoke from its hiding place and started searching. It was what it had been told to do after all. What I think it found threw me. I still have trouble accepting what it found and it is this which is responsible for a lot of emotional tearing and turmoil going on in my life at the moment. Some people have seen its effects; for example the rant on the 3rd March. I am deeply sorry to anyone that has been hurt by such an outburst.
I have no long-term plans; almost everything I have done was planned in second year. People ask me what I plan to do once I leave university. The truth is I haven’t thought that far ahead. Currently I’m leaning more towards doing a postgraduate degree or a doctorate. The career isn’t what is important to me, being absorbed in the work and my other intellectual interests is. Do I want to make a difference? I don’t know if I trust myself to make a beneficial difference. I feel that I am apt at destruction and hurting others, and I have little or no confidence in my abilities to do the opposite.
I cannot recall with absolute certainty what my religious views were back then. But I think they were leaning away from religion. With what happened the balance was tipped fully and since then I have been an Atheist. That is I believe God does not exist. I have faith in science and that it can and will explain most, if not all, of what goes on, has gone on and will go on in the universe. I do not feel the need to invoke a divine Creator to explain our existence. It is still a possibility that some sort of creator exists, but I think it is doubtful they would be as described by any of the holy texts. However the question of whether something is possible is usually not as important as to ask what is it that is probable. I have no problem with other people believing in different things, but when they try and force other people to agree with them, that is when I have an issue.
Song of the Day: If You Never Say Goodbye (P.M. Dawn)
Yet there is so much I have wanted to tell people, but not known how. Therefore some things that should not have been are locked down deep inside. Every so often they break loose and wreck havoc on my mental landscape. I apologise in advance if this post is a bit fragmented or confusing. My English has never really been that good (might explain why in another post) and it’s not an easy subject for me to write about. So to the beginning of it all…
If you want to understand almost anything about me you need to go back 9 years, to when my father died. A Saturday morning in July, dad’s home from the hospital, mum telling us the news, a blood soaked mattress. That was a very large part of my life destroyed. Gone. Although the death was horrible, I am “happy” with this end. Better quick and painless at home than some of the other options. We are defined, one-way or another, by our pasts. It is from here many of my beliefs and outlook on this world stems.
Pain. Fury. Love. Despair. Rage. Relief. Hatred. Sorrow. It took a while to accept, a long while. I did a lot of stupid things. I think I severed a lot of ties in that transitional period. I had stonewalled the event, occasionally thinking it over, but mostly refusing to consider it. It was still too raw and my rationality had torn itself apart. Eventually I found a way to cope, al the pain and emotion was directed to my work. To do well. To understand the world. My work is my life. I didn’t want to do anything else. I didn’t want to think.
This approach has worked quite well. It achieved what it was supposed to do and as a consequence forced me try my best. Everything was going well until 6th year, when another environmental change was on the horizon. Roughly around this point a part of me awoke from its hiding place and started searching. It was what it had been told to do after all. What I think it found threw me. I still have trouble accepting what it found and it is this which is responsible for a lot of emotional tearing and turmoil going on in my life at the moment. Some people have seen its effects; for example the rant on the 3rd March. I am deeply sorry to anyone that has been hurt by such an outburst.
I have no long-term plans; almost everything I have done was planned in second year. People ask me what I plan to do once I leave university. The truth is I haven’t thought that far ahead. Currently I’m leaning more towards doing a postgraduate degree or a doctorate. The career isn’t what is important to me, being absorbed in the work and my other intellectual interests is. Do I want to make a difference? I don’t know if I trust myself to make a beneficial difference. I feel that I am apt at destruction and hurting others, and I have little or no confidence in my abilities to do the opposite.
I cannot recall with absolute certainty what my religious views were back then. But I think they were leaning away from religion. With what happened the balance was tipped fully and since then I have been an Atheist. That is I believe God does not exist. I have faith in science and that it can and will explain most, if not all, of what goes on, has gone on and will go on in the universe. I do not feel the need to invoke a divine Creator to explain our existence. It is still a possibility that some sort of creator exists, but I think it is doubtful they would be as described by any of the holy texts. However the question of whether something is possible is usually not as important as to ask what is it that is probable. I have no problem with other people believing in different things, but when they try and force other people to agree with them, that is when I have an issue.
Song of the Day: If You Never Say Goodbye (P.M. Dawn)
posted by Nazgul at 07:07
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