Conscious
Simply because it seems I cannot be happy for more than a few days, here we go again…
I look back on my life and I’m amazed at the things I’ve done, any way you look at it the wet wiring in your head really is a remarkable piece of kit. However what gets me more than anything seems to be how cracked my world view is and how dimly conscious of my existence I have been for most of my life. Sure I’ve been alive for 20 years, breathing and absorbing information about the world around me. Objectively though I would say I’ve only been “awake” for the last three years. Before, I knew exactly what I was doing and where I was going. Then somewhere amidst the winds of change an entire part of my psyche snapped.
I’ll say here that I don’t want to state the obvious because I’m not sure how obvious it really is. However I’m not sure how long I can ramble on through a post about something and remain vague enough about it without making the post completely unintelligible. Perhaps that’s the way I want it to be, to say something without actually saying anything. I have an idea what different parts of my mind want but as a whole I really aint that sure.
It’s probably a misconception but everyone else seems to have plans and knows what they are doing with their life. I’m still lost, whatever certainty I had in what I was doing has been blown right out of the building and I’m left dazed and confused with my own life, spending more and more time thinking about it or refusing to think about it.
No matter how hard I search my past, I find it hard to want any of it to change. There are things I wish had turned out differently but that is knowledge for the future and to change it is a silly request, for in doing so you would change the person you are now.
In some respects I want to be back at uni ASAP, bury myself under my work again and hide from all these things that bother me. Though after all this time my doubts are growing about that particular tactic. It’s been nearly two years and I’m still looking for answers. My main problem is that I’m completely unsure of where I want to go from here. While there are many potential outcomes, the few that I have deemed unacceptable distort my thinking and until things become clearer it is a risk I am not confident in taking. I’ll get it all sorted out eventually, I’m in no rush.
If you know what this post was all about, congratulations you get a gold star and some wine gums. Right now I’m off to get some food and then disappear into a book for a while.
Song of the Day: How To Be Dead (Snow Patrol)
I look back on my life and I’m amazed at the things I’ve done, any way you look at it the wet wiring in your head really is a remarkable piece of kit. However what gets me more than anything seems to be how cracked my world view is and how dimly conscious of my existence I have been for most of my life. Sure I’ve been alive for 20 years, breathing and absorbing information about the world around me. Objectively though I would say I’ve only been “awake” for the last three years. Before, I knew exactly what I was doing and where I was going. Then somewhere amidst the winds of change an entire part of my psyche snapped.
I’ll say here that I don’t want to state the obvious because I’m not sure how obvious it really is. However I’m not sure how long I can ramble on through a post about something and remain vague enough about it without making the post completely unintelligible. Perhaps that’s the way I want it to be, to say something without actually saying anything. I have an idea what different parts of my mind want but as a whole I really aint that sure.
It’s probably a misconception but everyone else seems to have plans and knows what they are doing with their life. I’m still lost, whatever certainty I had in what I was doing has been blown right out of the building and I’m left dazed and confused with my own life, spending more and more time thinking about it or refusing to think about it.
No matter how hard I search my past, I find it hard to want any of it to change. There are things I wish had turned out differently but that is knowledge for the future and to change it is a silly request, for in doing so you would change the person you are now.
In some respects I want to be back at uni ASAP, bury myself under my work again and hide from all these things that bother me. Though after all this time my doubts are growing about that particular tactic. It’s been nearly two years and I’m still looking for answers. My main problem is that I’m completely unsure of where I want to go from here. While there are many potential outcomes, the few that I have deemed unacceptable distort my thinking and until things become clearer it is a risk I am not confident in taking. I’ll get it all sorted out eventually, I’m in no rush.
If you know what this post was all about, congratulations you get a gold star and some wine gums. Right now I’m off to get some food and then disappear into a book for a while.
Song of the Day: How To Be Dead (Snow Patrol)
posted by Nazgul at 10:58
4 Comments:
like alan said, i dont think a lot of people know what they want to do with their lives. i am not going to criticise those who do, because everyone is different. i know a lot of people who are at uni and want to make it 'big' in business, big house, 2.4 kids, 2 week holiday a year. they will live the text book life, with a few quirks in between. the quirks being general ups and downs in life. since leaving school ive done so much unconvential stuff and spoke to so many unconventional people. it made me realise how much i didnt want to be part of the machine and be more and more distant from the mainstream. that doesnt mean im going to hermit away and purposely go against everything 'normal', it just means im going to question why we have to live a certain way. i value my education, but not so i can go out and tread on a lot of toes, get caught up in this corporate bullshit and become another nationalistic, right wing nut. i dont believe in Thatcher's neo-liberal, look after number one, there is not society, let's-kiss-a-missle-for-peace rubbish. if there is anything in life i have faith in, it's my lack of faith in mankind as a whole but an underdstanding of liberal thought. where that will take me, i dont know...
this post may seem un-connected to anything you have to say, but it's just to show you that there are other people who don't have a clue where they are going. i may end up in edinburgh forever, somewhere in europe, USA, Canada, South America. I really don't know. but as long as i have myeducation i can look back and see my life as being full. i dont need a million pounds to have that.
politics has taught me to be open minded and i find i have less and less in common with a lot of people. particularly a lot the IHS mould, both in the institution as a whole and the general population that entered it's 'dark' doors. as long as i go through the world as a liberal and increasingly see the world as one place, then i will be happy.
never expect or strive too much to self actualisation. never attempt to be mainstream or follow institutionalism. alan is right, take risks and question your intentions about everything. we may see our education as different; i dont view getting the highest mark in an essay, project or an exam as the most important part of my education. yes, i want the degree, but i will put as much effort into expanding my knowledge on cultures, the arts and society as a whole. after all, your career can only end up a small part of your life.
this is not meant to be patronizing or one does not want to speak with any airs. we are all the same, but different. life craps on everyone, sometimes. you said something a long the lines of you dont think too much about where your life is heading; gus you do. you think a lot about your uni work more than a lot of people i know. i know such a wide selection of people and most of my friends are all completely different; but everyone stresses. this may sound too judgemental and you will prob feel misunderstood but try not to stress too much about your academic work. it will only make you feel ill. then again, stresses never die, they just change form.
phew, ive written tons.
must be getting philisophical in my age!?
- Fiiiiiiiiiiiiii
"you dont have to love george bush to love america"
"remember, on some days you are the pigeon and on other days the statue"
"dont be scared about being too open minded - chances are, your brains will fall out!"
Cheers man. Your words are much appreciated.
Song of the Day: New Way Home (Foo Fighters)
you know i wrote the longest reply and then...when i hit publish it told me that it couldnt find the server blah blah.
ok, here goes again.
alan is right, you would be surprised how many people don't know what they want to do with their lives; it's just other people have different social experiences which justify them feeling so lost in themselves and this world.
since 2003, i have become so much more open minded since those days at the (forgive me for my usual dose of caustic harshness) instituationalism of moronic pursuits. i hated high school, i hated the 'wealth' (or lack) of education and the population as a whole. most of this comes from my lack of faith in man kind. perhaps i am wrong and IHS could not have improved much more, perhaps what i wanted out of IHS would have been inconceivable to administrate to the other 1500+ students. after going to uni and meeting a variety of other people i have learnt so much more about the world and society that Inverkeithing ever provided me with. it taught me the basics in many subjects, yet i left school more open minded than many, i would presume, yet still completely ignorant to the world as a whole. much of the education, particularly history and politics, was based on biased opinion. i have learnt that getting a degree is important, but one of the most important parts of being a student for me is to educate myself in a variety of disciplines; whether that be cultures, the arts and society. i know for a fact i would be unhappy caught up in the corporate bulls**it, treading on people's toes, treating others as commodities all in the name of money. there is much more to life than a healthy bank balance and social status in the corporate world. i am not confident about a lot of things in life, but i do know for a fact how strongly i feel as a liberal. i detest the neo-liberalism of the reagan-thatcher era; rolling back the state, kissing-a-missle-for-peace, looking after number one and the ridiculous status 'there is no society'. i dont know where my cynicism and my liberal ideas will take me, but it sure won't make another suit.
again i agree with alan, you have got to take risks. i once tried explaining to you before but you misunderstood what i was meaning (i do not blame you, i wasnt explaining it well). i dont look on ESP and need to see marks exceeding 80% to feel my time at Edinburgh Uni is worthwhile. to be life and educations means so much more. to me being a student is learnig about the cultures, people and knowledge which the student/teacher population as a whole bring to Edinburgh. To appreciate the literature and understand it, to visit different countries and to see the world as a whole. not everyone has this frame of mind, but i dont need to 1st class honours to be educated, i dont even need a degree. as long as i can understand the world outside fife, scotland, the UK, Europe... then i will feel a rich enough person.
remember, rules are made to be broken.
right lecture over huh!? am kidding, this post may or may not be useful. dont be afraid to think too much, dont wallow in self pity to much. everyone is crazy, those who arent are either liars.
it's easy to cherry pick and see others as having more than you, no one has more or less. there is always things to feel shitty about.
sometimes songs depress me because they strike a chord, but think how the person felt who wrote the song? that thought always helps me. it's never good to feel your heart has been ripped out and completely drained. it's worse than anything; worse than debt, bad careers...
you are not alone, so even if that statement makes you smile for a period of time...then good good.
Ms Fi
(tell me if i sound like a total preacher. sorry about the bad grammer, punctuation, lack of capitalisation etc)
remember on some days you are the pigeon and on other's the statue"
"you don't have to love george bush to love america"
bloody hell. the website told me it couldnt post my comment so i re-wrote. grr. lol, so now you have two stories by Fi, just said in a different way. oh well... technology these days!?
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