Thursday, July 28, 2005

Drag me out into the cold rain

I went out for a walk last night, nice fresh air and a spot of gentle rain. It allowed me to put a few ghosts to rest (probably not permanently but at least back into proportion). I’ve been pretty miserable the last few days with little or no reason behind it. Sometimes I don’t think and others I am thinking too much. Neither extreme is particularly useful but each has its place I guess. I’ll see if I can get a few more pictures uploaded and finish the tweaks I have planned for my fractal program. Get some constructiveness on the go.


Song of the Day: Night Drive (Jimmy Eat World)

Monday, July 25, 2005

Lyrics that are occupying my skull at the moment

I wish you only knew how good it is to see you

Sorry but I can’t just go turn off how I feel

I’ve been sleeping with ghosts

I’m sure your kiss remains employed, am I only dreaming?

There was never any place, for someone like me to be totally happy.

I lost an arm, no one harmed, you diplomatically alarmed.

And men can do terrible things. Yes they can.

The closer I get to feeling, the further I’m feeling from alright.

Some days all I do is watch the sky.

You’ll sit alone forever if you wait for the right time, what are you hoping for?

I won’t always live in my regret

We once walked out on the beach and once I almost touched your hand

The photograph reflects, every streetlight a reminder

I wish to stay, to be here with you. You were my strength, how can I go on?

I feel like a cartoon brick wall.

Consider this. Consider this. The hint of the century

Mean cats eat parakeets, and this one's nearly dead

I cried the other night. I can't even say why

You are not alone


Song of the Day: The Great Beyond (R.E.M.)

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Re-writing Mandelbrot {again}

Over the weekend I’ve been re-writing my Mandelbrot fractal program in order to get it running more smoothly and to add some interesting colouring routines as well as a few other features. The whole project is a result of stuffing up a first year java practical {the Julia-Fatou and Mandelbrot part anyways} due to sleep deprivation silliness (the maths got done though). However I didn’t want to leave it at that seeing as I liked the concept and thought they looked neato. The practice with C++ hasn’t hurt much either.

Above is a close up of the Mandelbrot set coloured using the red spectrum. Though while surfing the net I saw a greyscale version which looked pretty cool so I’ll try and get round to implementing that in this re-write.


Song of the Day: Electrolite (R.E.M.)

Saturday, July 23, 2005

Mandelbrot Fractal



Song of the Day: See You (Foo Fighters)

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Forth Road Bridge


Song of the Day: In Your Honour (Foo Fighters)

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Conscious

Simply because it seems I cannot be happy for more than a few days, here we go again…

I look back on my life and I’m amazed at the things I’ve done, any way you look at it the wet wiring in your head really is a remarkable piece of kit. However what gets me more than anything seems to be how cracked my world view is and how dimly conscious of my existence I have been for most of my life. Sure I’ve been alive for 20 years, breathing and absorbing information about the world around me. Objectively though I would say I’ve only been “awake” for the last three years. Before, I knew exactly what I was doing and where I was going. Then somewhere amidst the winds of change an entire part of my psyche snapped.

I’ll say here that I don’t want to state the obvious because I’m not sure how obvious it really is. However I’m not sure how long I can ramble on through a post about something and remain vague enough about it without making the post completely unintelligible. Perhaps that’s the way I want it to be, to say something without actually saying anything. I have an idea what different parts of my mind want but as a whole I really aint that sure.

It’s probably a misconception but everyone else seems to have plans and knows what they are doing with their life. I’m still lost, whatever certainty I had in what I was doing has been blown right out of the building and I’m left dazed and confused with my own life, spending more and more time thinking about it or refusing to think about it.

No matter how hard I search my past, I find it hard to want any of it to change. There are things I wish had turned out differently but that is knowledge for the future and to change it is a silly request, for in doing so you would change the person you are now.

In some respects I want to be back at uni ASAP, bury myself under my work again and hide from all these things that bother me. Though after all this time my doubts are growing about that particular tactic. It’s been nearly two years and I’m still looking for answers. My main problem is that I’m completely unsure of where I want to go from here. While there are many potential outcomes, the few that I have deemed unacceptable distort my thinking and until things become clearer it is a risk I am not confident in taking. I’ll get it all sorted out eventually, I’m in no rush.

If you know what this post was all about, congratulations you get a gold star and some wine gums. Right now I’m off to get some food and then disappear into a book for a while.


Song of the Day: How To Be Dead (Snow Patrol)

Finished

Ok so it's a little bit late and I still aint been to sleep yet, but I blame feeling so crap and sleeping most of yesterday for that. I've finally gone through all of the T in the Park pictures on my MSN space captioned and ordered them into something resembling order. Overall I'm pretty pleased with my cameras performance, lots of nice pictures to look back on.


Song of the Day: How To Be Dead (Snow Patrol)

Friday, July 15, 2005

Sunset over Black Sands - Aberdour

Song of the Day: For Me This Is Heaven (Jimmy Eat World)

Out for a wonder


Boats out in the sun on the Firth of Forth.


Song of the Day: For Me This Is Heaven (Jimmy Eat World)

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

T in the Park

So a few days later and I finally get round to writing about T in the Park. In short it was amazing. The music was good, weather was pretty amazing (more on that later) and I was with a great group of friends (and me bro :) ).

This was only my second T in the Park but it seemed so much busier. Though as a growing music festival it’s to be expected but the stage layout may also have contributed to the busyness. Also, as seems to be the usual, there was the standard complement of neds and people getting far to drunk to walk. But hey, who am I to spoil their fun. Just not something I would do personally that’s all.

Sooo many sunburnt ppls though :s (I’m not overly keen on sun cream myself but it’s much better than the agony and annoyance of burnt skin)


Musicians of Note:

Jimmy Eat World: Fantastic to see live and I was singing along {probably really badly} quite happily. These were the guys I was wanted to see the most and were the highlight of the weekend for me, however Green Day’s act outshone everyone else’s by a long way.

Green Day: Put on one hell of a good show, obviously having fun on stage. Definitely the best act of this years T in the Park.

Foo Fighters: These guys were pretty good, even heard a few songs I recognised. Probably will try and get my mitts on a few of their albums in the near future.

Travis: Not a huge fan of Travis but their show was highly enjoyable. Always nice to see a band having fun on stage.


Of course there were many other bands present, though only a handful of which I would have gone to see. There are a few other bands we saw that I don’t know very well so I just let their music wash over me and thoroughly enjoyed being there.

However I did have to miss two artists I wanted to see because I was (or had to go into) hiding from the sun: Audioslave and Biffy Clyro. I hadn’t heard of Biffy Clyro before, but the first few songs they played I quite liked. I’m annoyed that I had to leave and seek shelter from the sun.

My camera was present at T this year and has seen more usage in the last 3 months than it has in the 3 years I have owned it. :$ The new 256 MB memory card I got has helped with that enormously allowing me to take as many pictures as I want without having to worry about spatial restrictions. Some of the pics are really, really nice and as usual there are a few of the sky and the sunset. A selection of them is up on my msn space though I’m still sorting them out and enlarging a few of the images. The hardest bit so far has been trying to think up interesting and accurate captions for all of the pictures.

As has been hinted at previously the only real downside of the event was the weather, specifically my incapability of coping with it. Thanks to my genes I have no sweat glands (a contributing factor in my gauntness). So while the weather was awesome, it was just too hot for me and as a result I was overheated on both days. Annoyingly so on the Saturday and horrendously so on the Sunday. See the cold I don’t mind as much, it’s easier to handle and it seems to take a larger drop in temperature to affect me than an increase in temperature does. It’s such a horrible feeling when I get overheated. I feel my consciousness slowing down and my mind slipping away. Thinking in syrup, with the knowledge that unless I do something to remedy the situation properly I’m in a lot of trouble.

While I’m ranting about my characteristics I may as well mention I have an auditory processing disorder which can make audio communication difficult at the best of times. Add any loud background noise and it’s even harder for me to understand what people are saying. The cognitive shutdown caused by overheating makes it even worse. This is the main cause of my problems with English and in learning any other language. I’m sorry for not being very talkative at these things, it’s not because I don’t want to. I really do. However no matter how hard I try I’ll only hear gibberish instead of what you’re actually saying. Generally agreeing with what is said while processing the information usually works well, though I’ve been caught out before. Like when someone asked if the person standing next to me was my girlfriend. :s When that clicked my blood turned to ice, still does occasionally.

While I dislike these aspects of myself and all the problems they bring into my life I wouldn’t change them for the world. They define a large part of my existence and without them I would be a completely different person from the one I am now. Sometimes I hate myself but for the most part I am happy with myself and who I am.

“You take what is offered and sometimes that must be enough.”

So despite the major depressions caused by my physiology it was still a great weekend. I couldn’t have asked for better company and the music was excellent. Although I do apologise if I worried or scared anyone.


Song of the Day: Wake Me Up When September Ends (Green Day)

Monday, July 11, 2005

T in the Park

It was amazing and has put a huge grin back on my face. {Despite the horrible overheating I went though on both days, particularly the Sunday} I'll say more later because right now I am absolutly shattered.


Song of the Day: Salt Sweat Sugar (Jimmy Eat World)

Thursday, July 07, 2005


Sunset over Dunfermline 2005-07-04

Saturday, July 02, 2005

I've been sleeping with ghosts

Just finished sorting through the bowling pics on my MSN space removing some of the ones that weren't so good. The bowling night was great, just nice to be out with friends. My actual bowling however was all over the place with some good shots and some that are best left unmentioned. Claus is the bowling king! {Best score of the night @ 170}

Finished sorting out my room. It's now all nice and organised, though I doubt that will last for long. {Technically its always organgised just sometimes less so than others...}. The pics I took from Edinburgh on Wed have also been uploaded to my space but still need a bit of reordering. Eventually I intend to caption most of the pics on my space, however I don't know when I'll get round to it.


Song of the Day: The Astronaut (Something Corporate)

Friday, July 01, 2005

It's too late, to save me

Currently my room looks like a warzone. Probably about time I sorted that. Got a few other things to get sorted as well {such as getting the pics from ed posted up} .


The router is up and running allowing both me and my brother to be online at the same time. :) Yey no more arguments as to whose online. :)

Right time to sort out the disorganised living space that is my room.


Song of the Day: Stockholm Syndrome (Blink-182)